I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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