I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
