Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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