I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
