ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
