Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
