so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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