how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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