if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
