I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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