Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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