if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
