she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
this is an emotional support booty call
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
