my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
