all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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