you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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