Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
