I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
