My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
