My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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