Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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