my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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