So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
