Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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