Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
