She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
