Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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