At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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