My cat gives me a boner
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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