My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
