sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
