So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
