We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
