I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
