Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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