oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
