I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
