Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
