Don't make out with my wife yet
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
