You can't special order awesome
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
