I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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