Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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