Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
