I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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