I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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