I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
