My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Sorry my hands just texted you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
