Got a toothbrush?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
