Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
