Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
