Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
